1. |
Water Torture
04:11
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Where’s my motivation?
If you have it call this number
I need it back.
I’ve started to think of punching random people in the head on the train
And suddenly yelling out in the class
It’s all the same
My life is so repetitive, it’s like water torture.
One day hopefully it’ll change.
All I can do is sit and mourn
for all the years we could’ve had left
You hate to see me like this
You want me to be happy
Too bad you can’t control me
I confine myself more than anyone else
My life is so repetitive, it’s like water torture.
Hopefully, it’ll change.
All I can do is sit and mourn
for all the years we could’ve had left
All the years we could’ve had left
How unfair
Who am I without you?
You’re the reason I do
The music in me was put there by you
I wish I could tell you
My life is exciting, it’s not true
Who am I without you?
You’re the reason I do
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2. |
Afterlife
03:45
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You’re gonna pass soon
And neither of us believes in heaven… how sad
All we have is now, the love and the pain
How have you survived this for over a year?
And was it hard to hide your fear?
I wish there was an afterlife and I could meet you there
I’ve been angry all year, crying that this isn’t fair
If only there was an afterlife and I could tell you where
But with this looming dark cloud, would you even care?
I’ve had a terrible week
Puking my guts up and feeling sick,
I feel stupid when you ask me how I am
I’m not the one needing or deserving help
Whenever we can do something for you, please yell
I wish there was an afterlife so I could meet you there
I’ve been angry all year, crying that this isn’t fair
If only there was an afterlife and I could tell you where
But with your looming dark cloud, would you even care?
If only there was an afterlife
Where we could see Nana and our dog
But you’ll be alive in our memories,
and your love and music will be carried on
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3. |
Life and Death
07:05
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4. |
So I Hold You
01:04
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So I hold you like you’ll float out to space
If I ever let go
No one could ever take your place
So I hold you like you’ll float out to space
No one could ever take your place
I won’t ever let go
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5. |
I'll Be Positive Someday
02:11
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My sadness isn’t special in any way
And I try to convince myself I’m the main character to get through the day
It’s hard to take care of myself
How frustrating it’s the only way to get through these insipid weeks, sitting in my chair
I’ll be positive again someday
This pain will fade away
And only sweet memories of you will remain
But know I’ll always care
I just need some time
I’m too harsh on the world at the moment
It’s grey it’s boring
Where did all the smiles go,
can you show me?
A better way to get through the day
I’ll be positive again someday
This pain will fade away
And only sweet memories of you will remain
But know I’ll always care
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6. |
Palliative Care
02:19
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7. |
Heartless
01:51
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My voice is stern all the time and I can’t remember the last time I smiled
Impatient, Angry, and Tired
Wanting to be alone
Feeling heartless
Feeling heartless
Feeling heartless
Feeling heartless
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8. |
Your Presence
04:30
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It’s over again, flashing, falling
I’m behind enemy lines
We have pain in us by design
So I hold your wrinkly, soft hand
Oh what I wouldn’t do, just to look at you
And hold your arms
And lean into your chest,
my brain could finally rest.
And I’ll feel your presence
I will always find you
In your next form,
as a bird or as a wild horse
I’ll find you here
and always hold you dear
I’ll look in the animal eyes
And see if I can recognise
You
Oh what I wouldn’t do, just to look at you
And hold your arms
And lean into your chest,
my brain could finally rest.
Oh to feel your presence
Oh what I wouldn’t do,
I wish to be near you
Oh da da da da
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9. |
A Heaven
04:46
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I wish I could wrap you in blankets
And keep you from harm or illness
The closer we are, the harder this will be.
But I can’t have regrets, you need me.
And I of you
I gave you a neck massage and made us dinner
When it’s late I get you a glass of water and tuck you in
The roles are reversed
But I love you and happily so these things
Your time can’t end,
Why can’t there be evidence of a heaven?
You’ll be gone soon, you’ll be gone soon
I’m not feeling strong but I try to
My best friend, I love you
When I see you, I feel sad 2 seconds after I say goodbye.
Is it attachment issues or am I just as fragile as a fly?
I will look for you all around,
The birds above, the waves below my feet and in the faces of dogs in the street
I will look for you all around,
I’m proud I knew you
Your time can’t end,
Why can’t there be evidence of a heaven?
You’ll be gone soon, you’ll be gone soon
I’m not feeling strong but I try to
My best friend, I love you
My world my moon my sky
I look deep in your eyes
And watch the grey and blue specks move
I’ll do whatever I can for you
Is it enough, is it enough
Is it enough, that I’m here?
Forever I’ll love you
Forever I’ll need you
Forever I’ll want you
Forever I’ll want you
Forever I’ll need you
Forever I’ll want you around
Forever I’ll love you
Forever I’ll need you
Forever I’ll want you around
I want you around
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10. |
Aged Care Home (A Poem)
02:39
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There’s a smell of old people, piss and disinfectants
All the numb residents scuffle past me
They fall asleep in their chair
or at the empty, wooden common room table
With no need to live life on their own
I walk into room 59
I see your frail bones
and skin sinking in
You are above your bed, floating in morphine
I feel terrified, and cling to you like a child
when I can’t get a word out of you
Who is this man in front of me?
I’ve slowly watched you lose your strength
Would I wish to know the length?
How much time we have left?
You writhe in gunshot-level pain
You rarely change your clothes,
I can see the stains
I give you hugs and a kiss
Deep down, I begin to accept
The unspeakable truth
The majority of my life you’ll miss
I miss you as soon as I leave
When I’m at home,
all of my toys and fun memories with you
I rush to retrieve
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11. |
Helpless
03:45
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The worst part is it hurts you when we hug
Because the curse is in your bones
Although your mind is strong
Your body is weaker each day
I’m filling in a book about your life, but the details will never be enough.
I want you to tell the story
Your prognosis was March, then May
But you’re still here today!
I’m helpless, I don’t have a clue
but we can sit here with your pain together
In this white confined room
The deep chamber in my chest that holds my heart is tight and burning
Oh I’m yearning for better days
I wish I could take you with me to see them.
I’m sorry, but you hold the pain.
It’s not your fault, let me help you hold it.
I want it, I need it,
I’ll spend all my time with you by your side
I’m helpless, I don’t have a clue what to do
but we can sit here with your pain together
In this white confined room
Sprinkled with your British belongings
These cds, toys and memories
For a whole life
This is what you bring with you for the last steps
How confronting
McCartney will be with you, till the end
So we sing along with him
The doctors have said there’s nothing they can do
They said “three months, that’s what I’d give you”
No one I know can relate to what I’m going through
It looks all grey out here, where are the hues?
I’d take black and blue at the moment, at least it’s a change
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12. |
God's Waiting Room
01:40
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We all react in various ways,
You talk about plans for 10 years time, that will never be
And I lie in bed, unable to breathe
Sure we’ll go to Paris and Egypt
It’s comforting delusions of grandeur
Then you go to the land of nod
And your mind is fog
What a bummer,
the more you get
The more you want
I’m on my winter holidays
Thinking about the late sunsets of summer
Like short poetry, I’ll sit in this unresolved story.
One day that’s all it will be.
I’ll have to draw you up for my kids
What a bummer,
the more you get
the more you want.
What a bummer,
the more you get
the more you want.
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13. |
Losing Him
04:43
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I go to see you, and I sit next to you, in your medical bed in the dark
Your grey hairs are falling out
You say things that aren’t true, and I can’t hide my emotions
You ask what’s wrong? And why am I confused?
You still worry about me and you don’t want to see me stressed.
I wish you could understand that you aren’t making sense
You are becoming more and more delirious
and it is breaking my heart
I’m losing your wicked mind
I have to repeat information to you 5 times
I’m losing him, I’m losing him
I don’t wanna sing about it anymore
I’m losing him, I’m losing him
I don’t wanna sing about it anymore
I go to see you
My throat tightening
The pain just keeps extending
Cause you keep living
I’ve been mourning for months but you haven’t passed yet
I’m filled with negativity, is this something I’ll regret
I never show it to you
Later I go for a walk, and stand firm in the sand,
And look out on the bay of the island.
I’m isolated here, I won’t move on until I move out
But I’m waiting for you to die, first
I do nothing but sleep in, sing, and see you
We cuddled the other day, its been years
I held your hand, you held me.
It was beautiful intimacy.
I hold you, oh I wish that I could heal you
I hold you, oh I wish that I could heal you
The waves on the shore breathe in and out
I tried to breathe with it
I’m losing him, I’m losing him
I don’t wanna sing about it anymore
I’m losing him, I’m losing him
I don’t wanna sing about it anymore
I had the most fucked up dream you died in my arms at the cinema
And I travelled to another dimension, but you were dead there too, and I screamed and cried and couldn’t breathe
And I slapped myself in the face repeatedly to try and wake up
More nightmares have come
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14. |
||||
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I thought I would be there when you died, and I tried to be.
I stayed there listening to you try to draw air, till I myself couldn’t breathe
Out of empathy
I begged them to take you and watched them syringe you
You were too asleep to see us,
The nurses told us touching you would make you feel pain
but still we tried to stay
No one can comfort me
Nothing excites me
No one can comfort me
Nothing excites me
Knowing I had said my final goodbyes that night made me cry until I could not breath
I lost my best friend
You were my whole life
I stroked your grey hair and held your cold hand
And itched your beard for you
I promise we will find each other again
In the universe
Hopefully our spirits will meet and sing together in death
No one can comfort me
Nothing excites me
No one can comfort me
Nothing excites me
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing
Oh I lost my best friend
And I cannot forget, you were so much more than your death.
Impossible pain
Shallow breaths
That eventually stopped
You were a hurt little boy
The world wasn’t kind to you
You packed up your clothes and toys
And off to another country, your family flew
Dreamt of being an astronaut and later a rock star
You grew up on a small green farm, a castle not too far away
You’d go out to the backyard to play,
And look for lizards and smoke with your mates
To your Dads dismay
Your bones grew
And you changed
The wrinkles show it, on your face
You changed your name, and tried to outrun the pain
You were a sweetheart your whole life, a lover not a fighter
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15. |
Rigor Mortis
02:15
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16. |
Survivor's Guilt
03:08
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You died at 3:10pm, the exact time I used to finish for the day in primary school.
We would meet on the bus,
I’m sorry, I felt embarrassed by your joy and affection
In front of the other kids
The pain had stiffened your legs at the end of your life
And the needles went into your arm
at a rapidly increasing frequency
We would meet on the bus
Serendipitous moments
What I wouldn’t do, just to run into you.
One last time, and get a bear hug
Survivors guilt, why am I still here?
I’ve never felt fear
like when mum said you had the death rattle.
There was so much left for you to do.
Go to the theatre, see a cricket game, be a grandfather to my kids
Now what do I do
My whole life was you
I saw you everyday
What do I do
My life was you
I saw you everyday
What do I do
My life was you, was you
I’d clean your room and wipe the sweat off of your face
And find things we could look forward to
What do I do
My life was you, was you
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17. |
Still Breathing
03:33
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Somehow my room is clean
But I’ve stopped going to university
The waves of the shore,
wash everyone's writing in the sand
away eventually
I’d give away all my money
And cut off my legs
To see you again
Everyone grieves,
Life breaks us all eventually
No one gets out alive of life alive
For now, I’m still breathing
All the attempted words of comfort gloss over.
You just lie next to me with your arm around my paralysed body
Like the heaviness of hospitals and graveyards,
I feel death in my house.
How is this the table we used to meet at?
And laughter filled the air?
At least at night, the quiet can be interpreted as peace
Now that you’re not here, I must try to love myself.
Feed myself, bathe, and get my body through the day.
Everyone grieves,
Life breaks us all eventually
No one gets out alive of life alive
But for now, I’m still breathing
At some point, I’ll just have to stop writing about you
Your life had an end
But this grief doesn’t
Now it is silence
Your life had an end
But This grief doesn’t
At some point, ill just stop writing about you
Your life had an end
But this grief doesn’t
I will think about you every day
And every day wish you were still here.
I said that in my speech at your funeral.
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18. |
Morphine
02:52
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You can have so much history with someone you don’t know what to say
A moody bastard is what you would call me,
Thanks to this isolation I live in, I’m out of the way
All I want to feel at peace
And for you to never leave
Fill my blood with your morphine
I need nothing more than you and me
You are the nowhere man,
I try to hug you for as long as I can
We deserve death with dignity
No family wants to see suffering
Now my bed seduces me to stay in it
All of the day
I know it’s a waste of my short life
To fixate on the darkness
But I’m stuck at the bottom of this hole
Only time will let me out
Oh let me out
All I wants to feel at peace
And for you to never leave
Fill my blood with your morphine
I need nothing more than you and me
I need nothing more than you and me
I have to begin to be present in my days
What’s on tomorrow
Not what’s the fate of the human race
War will always come again, but I hope we stop making the same mistakes
But who knows maybe one day we’ll see peace for infinity
Peace for infinity
Peace
Morphine
Peace
Morphine
Peace
Morphine
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19. |
Blue Jasmine Flower
05:09
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It’s funny how a death
Can make you think about all the others you’ve experienced
I take the blame
I feel the shame
People say “you were just a kid”
But I should’ve known to go to the visit
Because I didn’t get to see you again
I wish I could go back and shake that young girl and say you’re depressed,
Go now and get help
I didn’t know I was grieving.
I didn’t know the inevitability of death
I didn’t even cry for 3 months
after mom sat me down on the couch
and said Nana has died.
Blue jasmine flowers
I see you in blue jasmine flowers
If you could do anything
You said you’d be a florist
Blue jasmine flowers
I see you in blue jasmine flowers
And lavenders
Oh your dead
Sometimes I can’t get it through my head
You were my second mother
I’d see you multiple times a week
You were unlike any other
With your sass and moxy
But you could swap it and be sweet in an instant
Blue jasmine flowers
I see you in blue jasmine flowers
And pelicans
Elvis Presley
And a hot summer breeze
Is this all that becomes of our loved ones
when they die?
The only way they stay alive is the memories in our mind
And bringing them up in conversations
I feel like they deserve better or compensation
No one asks to die
No one wants to leave their children behind
Blue jasmine flowers
And I see Dad in everything other
It’s not specific yet
I don’t think ill ever forget
The grief I found in my teens
I see Dad in everything
And for you, it’s blue jasmine flowers
Your warm jumpers in Mum's closet
Christmas t-shirts
And at each family gathering, there is a spare chair for your ghost
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20. |
||||
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It could be worse!
It could always be worse
The world didn’t explode
Yes life is still unfair, though
And we all fuck up
But we still deserve love
But you can’t always choose
Who gives it to you
To our relationship,
May it lay to rest
It was a long time coming
Those closest to us can be the meanest
what can you do
In a painful time like this
You won’t ever hear this song,
you couldn’t ever be wrong
Life is continuing
Times arrow marches forward
No one gets outta life alive
I’m sobbing silently in the kitchen
And I want you to be happy, believe me
Just not anywhere near me
It could be worse!
It could always be worse
The world didn’t explode
I really hate you though
I know I fucked up
I still deserve love
But I can’t always choose
If it's given to you or me
But you can’t always choose
If it's given to you
I wanted you and needed you
And all I got was the boot
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21. |
Meaningless
04:39
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There are answers that will die with you
Secrets that will die too
and memories
Not to mention no new ones will be made
I will just slowly lose them all
Hugging your ashes is giving me no relief
I forget sometimes that box on my desk is the last of your body
I wanna feel what it’s like to be punched in the face
Give me a feeling
Give me something new
You will never exist again
It’s all so meaningless
(I miss you so much, that it’s painful)
I sleep with such a lack of schedule it is absurd
It’s harder to sleep, and to wake up when you’re alone
I can’t write about anything else
Nothing I feel is universal
Or is it all
You know the world is unfair because children and animals suffer
All that innocence, thrown in fire
Death is the great equaliser
I wanna feel what it’s like to be punched in the face
Give me a feeling
Give me something new
You will never exist again
It’s all so meaningless!
Can I feel what it’s like to be punched in the face
Give me a feeling
Give me something new
You feel so incredibly dead
It’s all so meaningless!
Meaningless…
(It’s so unfair that I lost you at such a young age, and that you died such a painful death)
Now what do I do, my whole life was you
Now what do I do, my whole life was you
Now what do I do, my whole life was you
(Feel free to come back from the dead at anytime)
You are half of me, but I gave my all to you
(I wish there was an afterlife, I wish there was an afterlife)
Now what do I do, my whole life was you
You are half of me, but I gave my all to you
(What I wouldn’t do, just to look at you)
What is this world I am living in? It doesn’t feel real
(What I wouldn’t do, just to look at you)
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22. |
||||
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Everything is gonna be ok I promise
You may not see it now, but there is light at the end of this tunnel
It’s about time, you deserve a song on this album
You say to me, Everything is going to be ok I promise
It's not useless romanticism
After 4 years with you, my love is still so fresh, I run back for another kiss
I’m judgemental, yet can't take criticism…
And you’re a beautiful person
sometimes I wonder how this is working?
I hug you, and I hug his ashes
You don’t know how to comfort me, right now
So put me to bed and cocoon me in the sheets.
In this pain, I need you like I need to breath
And you say to me...
Everything is gonna be ok I promise
You may not see it now, but there is light at the end of this tunnel
It’s a historically shitty time, so thank god you are mine
You say to me- Everything is gonna be ok I promise
You would be the first to admit you don’t have a way with words
But you swear to me whatever happens, you will always be in my life
And I kiss your scars
I find the craters beautiful
Skin so pale, with jet black hair
You hold my hand, and you whisper good night
You’re my moon man in the night sky
You’re my moon man in the night sky
Everything is gonna be ok I promise
If it’s not ok, it’s not the end
Everything is gonna be ok I promise
If it’s not ok, it's not the end
Everything is gonna be okay
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23. |
Attempting Acceptance
02:49
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Bridget Allan Melbourne, Australia
Bridget Allan is an indie/jazz-influenced singer-songwriter from the Mornington Peninsula. She is currently studying for a Bachelor of Music at the University of Melbourne, specialising in Jazz & Improvisation. Bridget’s most significant musical influences are Jeff Buckley and Florence + The Machine. ... more
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